Flinging diapers and the *surprises left in them!

Ok so *Elijah Jaye Moose* (Thing4/ 2yob) is going through this "I know how to take my diaper off and will do it whenever I want now" phase. I CANNOT keep up with the flinging of the diapers. He has even learned how to take his pants off to get to the unwanted diaper.

We are working on potty training, but I'm not so sure that it's a sign of potty training readiness. I think he likes to take it off simply because he can! AND he innately knows exactly what to do to make mommy INSANE. Most of the time it is not even wet, although once he left a *surprise* in it (YUCK YUCK and more YUCK)

This child ~ there is absolutely NO ONE that i could love more, or who possibly make me any CRAZIER than he can. But I just can't resist his cute little face!

Could you?

I think I have outsmarted him...atleast for now. I'm sure it won't last toooo long. He is very persistent. I put his diaper on *backwards* and so far he hasn't figured out that the *tabs to freedom* are simply on the other side (hahaa).

Paranoid delusions of granduer ...er i mean laundry.

I have a confession to make. To walk in my house, you would think that I'm a pretty clean and organized mom. That's because I'm a FIRM BELIEVER in surface cleaning (shhh don't tell my mother!) If the bathrooms are clean, the counters and tabletops are clear and the floor is picked up, it's clean enough for me! I threw my perfectionism out the window about 4 sets of dirty hands and feet ago. And I can live happily with that.

But the laundry...the BANE of my very existence...that's a completely different story. If you looked into my laundry closet you would probably NEVER speak to me again. I have this theory about laundry trying to take over and rule the world. You should hear it sometime. Or maybe not.

I am just waiting for some wonderful genius woman to invent *disposable clothes. That would be the most wonderful thing EVER.

We have ALOT of laundry, as you can probably imagine. I think the baby is actually the cleanest little person in our house. How sad is that? Or maybe it's my oldest son. This boy, will take a shower and try to put on the SAME DIRTY BOXERS that he just took off! I have actually had to start doing a daily boxer check on a 9 yr old! What is UP with THAT??

My girlies ~ the self proclaimed princesses ~ they LOVE to wear pretty dresses. I don't know where this fascination came from. It's a lucky day for my husband if he comes home to find me in jeans instead of pajamas. Fear not, he is very aware how HOT pajamas are. You don't need to tell him. Truly. He knows. I love pajamas. I will seriously take a shower only to put on MORE PAJAMAS. But they insist on wearing 'princessy (YA that's a word 'cause i just made it a word) clothes and if they get even one teeeeeny tiiiiny spot on it they MUST immediatly be regarbed in proper princess wear.

My toddler *the moose, is just a MESS. He somehow manages to get dirty no matter WHAT we are doing. Every Sunday I have to explain to the girls in Tiny Tots at churchthat YES he WAS clean when we put him in the truck and NO I have no clue HOW he got so filthy in the carseat. This child here, he is the only child I know who can actually get dirty IN THE BATH TUB. So, when I can manage to keep clothes on him, they are only clean for roughly...2 minutes. Really. I'm not exaggerating. Not even a little bit.

But I digress. I'm just procrastinating so that you won't see what a terrible 'sahm' i am.
I don't have alot of time to mess with the laundry. Ok really, that's just a different way to say that I procrastinate when it comes to laundry too. I wait and wait and let it pile and pile until it literally eyeballs me from the closet, which by this time is open because the laundry is finding it's way out the door, and practically BEGGING me to just WASH IT! And finally I will. And that's when the CLEAN laundry takes over my bedroom. And Bathroom. And wherever else it will fit.

But hey, the floor is clean enough to eat off of, which is a good thing because Thing5 has a particular fondness for hiding cheerios under the furniture...just in case she gets hungry later.

Starving Children

* Disclaimer ~ the following post may contain "parent only" language & content. If you think the phrase "You will not believe what was in his poop" might offend you or your stomach, ya might want to just skip down to the next post :)

1 of our 5 children ~ who I will not name ~ due to the fact that they can read~and sometimes look over my shoulder when I am on the pc~and might see this post and get VERY mad at me~has a blanket (we aren't mean, they all have blankets). But this is a little blanket. It's always been little. But it WAS bigger when we first bought it. We have noticed signifigant shrinkage in the blanket over time. *Unnamed child, has slowly been eating this blanket for YEARS. Until recently, I didn't realize that the blanket was actually being eaten. I just thought the child was chewing on the strings and pulling them out. And I am always saying "don't put that in your mouth, that's gross." Apparently, it's WAYYYY grosser than I thought.

I came home from my favorite place to go and my husband told me that *unnamed child had a stomach ache after I left, but was fine now. Then proceeded to crack up and give me the details. You will not believe what was in his poop! A string. Yes you read right. A string. Apparently a LOOOONG string. I said a prayer of Thanks. And sang the Hallelujah chorus. I'm so glad I was gone for that. I don't think we'll be serving blanket for dinner anymore. Is it just my children who are this wierd? Do your kids have strange blanket~eating fetishes? Should I feed them more maybe?

Hmmmm....

Do you remember Romper Room? Sometimes it seems as if I'm in an episode of, like, Romper Room Gone Wild or something. Do you ever feel like that? Maybe it's just me.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if we had that Average~2.5 kids~2 income~house in the suburbs with a picket fence and a dog that doesn't... relieve itself on the hardwood floors~American Dream kind of life.

Would I have *perfect hair? And manicured nails? Oooohhhh, I would definently pay someone ELSE to spray all of that SHOUT on the stains in the laundry. (SHOUT really works ya know. Just in case you were wondering. That is why you come here.. isn't it? For all of the great laundry tips:)

Sometimes, I use an entire bottle of SHOUT on 1 load of laundry. Fascinating right? I know, that's why I'm telling you. You don't have to thank me.

We don't, by the way. Have that life that is. Not even a little bit on a good day. Double the kids. Split the income in half. The dog, well... we gave up on pets when a~certain~little~girl~who~was~3 (but is no longer) decided to try and help her cute little pet chickie escape from the cage. According to her, little chickie stuck his head out of the bars and asked her to help him out. By his head unfortunately. It wasn't pretty. Yes, we were all scarred, but we try not to think about it. Don't worry. After 3 yrs of therapy we can now eat chicken again.

My hair... is not quite perfect. Okay it's nowhere near perfect aaand  I'll be honest and admit that my most used hair accessories include a scrunchee (the fact that if a scrunchee isn't available a pencil can also be used is just more proof that I keep up with all of the latest fashions from Vogue. ) OH and there's this AWESOME hair product I use. If you've never tried it then you're definently missing out. It's called D.R.O.O.L. Made from pure baby slobber. Great stuff. Really.

But then I remember that in order to have that life I would have to give up 2.5 of my children. How could I make my child go through life with only half of thier body? And which half would I choose? The right, the left. The top, the bottom.

The truth is, as CRAAAZZYYYY as they make me sometimes, I couldn't really give any of them up. Even for that oh~so~wanted laundry person.

That mom plays the name game.

I think I've become 'that mom'. No, not that mom, the other one. You know, the mom whose mind has completely evaporated to the point that she can't remember her child's name until she gets to it as she goes down the list. I've caught myself doing that SO many times lately.

One of my~little~blessings in disguise, will do something they aren't supposed to do (did I mention that they're not perfect either?) and I will start to call 'em on it, and then I caaaalllll the wrong name. That's when the list starts. And by the time I get it right, I am either (a.) feeling SO guilty (& more stupid than I care to admit) for not knowing my own child's name that I can't bring myself to continue or (b.) walking out of the room looking stern but really trying not to totally lose it because they cannot contain the amusement that they get from watching mommy act insane. It's a very effective discipline method, if you haven't guessed.

So I've come up with a solution.

....I am going to give them all the same name. That way, I can never get it wrong. And more importantly, I will look sane.

I know how important it is for children to have thier own individual identities. So, I'll give them different middle names.

On second thought, maybe I will call them out by name. Thing 1 and Thing 2, Thing 3 and Thing 4, Thing 5...

Thing 2itiveness

Would you think me a horrible mother if I told you that the REAL reason I cover my face when my children are saying thier prayers is because I don't want them to see me laughing? This one child in particular cracks me up. I know, it's just plain wrong. You're going to laugh too. Then we'll both be wrong.


Thing 2(6yog): "And Dear Lord please forgive us for all of the things we did and said that were not good today, and please forgive us for all of the bad things that we are about to do."
(Does this mean she's planning in advance?)

Thing 2 " Please God make me beautiful in You because I so LOVE being pretty."

Thing 2 "Jesus please bless my aunt Tina and help her not to be sad and help her to find a new racecar boyfriend who makes her happy. And please give her lots of princess dresses, *and me too, because pretty dresses make everyone SO happy. Especially meee."
(But not so much her Aunt Tina ~ who would rather take 6 kids under 10 to chuckee cheese by herself than wear a 'pretty princess dress. Have you ever tried to do that? Definently NOT something I would recommend. Ever. As in..to infinity and beyond NEVER. Just so you know how strongly I feel about this issue. Did I mention the word never yet? Okay, had to make sure.)

My sister doesn't have a 'racecar' boyfriend. In case the suspense is killing you. He drives an RX7. I think. I can't really remember. I know that it's yellow. ish. Or maybe gold. Although.. he does resemble Jeff Gordon. But he's good people so we try to overlook that. He is NOT a Gordon fan. That helps. SHE is. I guess that helps too. Well, it helps him anyway.

I think it's awesome that my children are just themselves before God. No pretenses. Just what's in thier true heart. The honesty in it just makes it that much sweeter. But I bet He's laughin too:)

Just in case you're wondering...

I think I have a problem. Well...maybe more, but for the sake of this post (and my poor *dignity) we'll just focus on the one for now.

I seem to have this, ummm... anal retentive perfectionism thing going on. My niece called me OCD. And not in a good way. (Atleast, it didn't sound good. But she's a teenager so really, who knows!) But I think it's time to bring it out in the open. The first step to freedom is admitting you have a problem right? Step up and tell the truth. And the truth shall set you free.

My name is Heather. And I have 3 blogs. And I am constantly changing them. For those of you who *may have already noticed this, I don't think it's because I have multiple personalities and am attempting to please them all .Though I could be wrong. It's been known to happen. Once or twice. A day. It's because I can never seem to represent exactly who I am, only a part of me. I've tried to break myself down into labels. I'm fighting a losing battle. I'm not just a homeschooler. Or a wife. Or a mommy. Or a christian.

I can't define myself by one aspect or one part of who I am, and what my purpose is. I am a homeschooler. A wife. A mommy. A christian. I am all of those things. And more. (But if you've ever talked to me for more than 5 minutes then you know what a complete mess I am so anything 'more', okay anything less too, isn't because I'm so great or anything.)

I'm ready to see the *big picture. I'm ready to start putting together all the pieces of the puzzle that is my life. Right here. For all the world to see. Okay, so it's *slightly unlikely that 'all of the world' actually reads this. Or ever will. But it's here if they want to. (And why wouldn't they?? :)

So for those of you who know me or have read my other blogs...you might see a few familiar posts. :) They might be better now. So just wade through it! Keep the good stuff. Forgive the bad. Hopefully you'll be inspired. Or at least not offended. I apologize in advance for the randomness that is me.
And I leave you with this thought... any one else ready to get out of the shaker with me?

God, pick up the pieces. Put me back together again. You are my praise!

ummmm ....

Apparently the visitor will be delayed by about 9+ months. And Thing 6 IS in the works. Atleast, according to EPT....





In other news, a house on 1 acre has fallen from the sky and will be ours in 3 weeks.

Imagine that!

Life goes on, sometimes.

I've been racking my brain and cannot find a way to make what I have to say even the least bit witty or inspiring. So I'm just going to tell ya'll and move on. Thanks for all of the happy encouraging comments on the ummmm post.

Unfortunately, it wasn't meant to be. I don't want to have a tearfest. I did that already. Yesterday morning when I woke up and realized what was happening. I got back in bed. Pulled the covers over my head. And proclaimed to J that nothing could make me get out of bed. And God quickly prompted me to remember that my son's best friend's mom was going to church with us. For the first time. And that nagging little thought would not leave my brain. So I got up. And life goes on.

If I weren't So freakin intuitive and didn't KNOW my body as well as I do, I wouldn't have even realized it. I would have passed it off as late and heavy. So, is ignorance bliss? In this case I would have to say yes! Unequivocally yes.

The thing that really gets me, is that I was *quite content without a 'Thing 6'. Until there was one. And the second I realized it, the desire of my heart changed completely. Now I want a Thing 6. And it's not there anymore. So what was the point?

I know there is a plan. But I didn't get the memo yet, so I admit I am absolutely clueless as to what the actual plan is. But really, how is that part different from any other day.

On my last nerve...maybe.

You know that 1 nerve that we all have. Yes, the last 1. As in "You are getting on my last nerve!" How do you really know it's the last one? What if there are more, secret nerves that come out to replace all of the ones that you've lost. And where exactly do all of those nerves go?

I have been on my last nerve for days now. If, in fact it is the very last one. It's frazzled and frayed and falling apart. And there are these things hanging from it...as in Thing 1 and Thing 2 and Thing 3 and Thing 4 and not~so~much Thing 5 but *most definently the biggest Thing of them all. I think they think it's a tight rope or something b/c they're doing tricks on it. Pulling it down. Yanking on it and bouncing on top of it. I'm afraid it's going to snap, and they're all going to fall down.

It's not thier fault really. They are just doing what they were designed to do ~ kinda like monkeys in the zoo, hanging around doing odd monkey~things.

But I have been waiting for a visitor...who seems to have bailed. Maybe it's lost with all of those nerves. But this is a very important visitor. You know the one that we all dread each month until it doesn't show up. Ya that's the one. Have you seen it? Did it stop by to visit you first? If you do see it, please send it my way.

I'm freaking out here. Just a little. Can you tell? I can't help it. Everywhere I go it's babies and more babies. Or women who are about to have babies. What if it's in the water? I should stop drinking water. Don't get me wrong. I love babies. I'm very very prone to getting 'baby fever'. That's why we have 5 already. But I'm trying NOT to get baby fever 'cause Thing 5 just turned 1 yr and it's about that time.....lol. But right now ALL I can think of are all the reasons that it would NOT be good timing.

Are you listening God? We have NO room. And I don't mean no room as in, "We could rearrange if we had to." I mean we have no room as in, we were buying a house that fell through and ended up in a 34ft Rv. With 5 kids. SO either send 'the visitor' or send a house. And if You want ... I could use some more nerves too. Because as You read above, I'm down to my last 1.