Going Balls to the Wall... :7 Things to 7 people.

As in, Things I Wish I Could Say To You But Can't and Probably Never Will...

Did you know that the saying "balls to the wall" has nothing at ALL to do with testicles? It is totally a flying reference that implies giving it all you've got, so feel free to say it in church!

this comes from a very reliable source...

I have been struggling with some things lately. Several things, actually.

Remember when I said I wish there was a way to 27 thing fling my mind? Well, I have been Opening Up Boxes filled with Issues that have been Packed Up and taken with me Everywhere, and I have finally decided to do a little Decluttering.

I have some things that I think I need to get off my chest.

So...
I'm just gonna put it all out there...
Balls to the Wall...


Here we go...

• I hope that someday you can see me for who I try to be. And I'm sorry that's not always the same as who I end up being. Please, just... have a little faith in me. I know I can do this.
• I really really need you right now. So much. I'm going through some things that I know you could help me with. I want to ask for your help, but I can't. You are such an amazing person... and... I want you to keep thinking that I am amazing too.
• I wish I could find a way to share my Faith with you. I see how much you need it... and it's a Gift that I have been given in abundance. And, while I am soooo thankful for that gift, if I knew how, if I could ease your struggles even a tiny bit, it would be yours in less than a heartbeat.
• It reeeaaally sucks that you're never there for me when I need you. And, please don't take this the wrong way because I love you and I will always be here for you No Matter What but... 98% of the drama that you spend so much time worrying yourself sick over is Self Created. Remember??? The definition of Insane is doing the Same Thing and Expecting Change.
• I get the feeling you don't really want to talk to me. If that's the case well, then... just keep doing what you're doing I guess... But I think you're one of the most beautiful, transparent passionate people I've ever met. And I think about you almost every day.
• It hurts me to watch you never get any further than trying to make yourself happy. When will you realize that your flesh can never be fully satisfied? Every time you satisfy one desire, there will be another bigger, darker desire waiting to take it's place. This is where depravity is born. Please don't waste your life mistaking physical pleasure for love... or numbing your emotions instead of just dealing with your realities. You are beautiful and you're worth so much more than that.
• I know I've forgiven you and we've moved on. I truly believe that we are in a completely different place now. But sometimes I can't help but think about it. And... I still don't understand how you could do that to me...

Okay that was only a 7 Thing Fling. But I can only dig so deep at one time. And they were Heavy so it still counts as 27 ;)

Everybody needs an Emmett.

One of the speakers at the Women of Faith conference this year was Lisa Welchel. I don't know if you remember her or not but once upon a time she played Blaire on The Facts of Life.

To be completely honest with you, I wasn't really looking forward to hearing her speak. I don't know why. I have absolutely nothing against the woman.

Ironically enough, she was the one that God used to speak to me the most.

He's pretty funny that way :)

It was kind of weird actually because the details and circumstances of my life are nothing like hers. But the emotions and the isolation that she experienced... the walls that she built around herself... I was surprised to find that I could relate to every single thing that came out of her mouth.

At one point she was talking about when she attended a WOF conference (before she started speaking) and she went with Anita Renfroe, who spoke last year. If you're not familiar with her you should look her up. She is hi-lar-ious.

Anyway, she was sitting there listening to Marilyn Meberg (also VERY funny!) talk about all of these things she's been through and how she wouldn't have been able to make it through any of it without Emmett who was this amazing friend and then she went on to describe their friendship...

And Lisa Welchel talked about how it just hit her, right then and there how she had closed herself off from having open authentic relationships with other women and other people for so long and all she could do was sit there and cry...

And she said (this is Lisa talking...), "Anita took one look at me and asked 'You don't have an Emmett do you?' And I said 'Noooooo.' and then Anita says 'Well... I would make a sucky Emmett but I'm going to pray for you to find yours.'

And as I was sitting there... in that arena filled with thousands of other women... listening to her share her life I realized that I have done the same exact thing.

I have built walls around myself so high and so solid that it would probably take longer to tear them down than the Great Wall of China.

As I came to this realization, the tears just started streaming and all I could do was just Pray for God to start tearing down those walls... and to send me my Emmett too.

Since that little Emotional Breakdown I've also realized that there are things that I am meant to share with others. That I need to stop feeling unworthy and ashamed and... afraid.

He has plans for me. Because somewhere out there is someone who needs ME to be their Emmett.