Paranoid delusions of granduer ...er i mean laundry.

I have a confession to make. To walk in my house, you would think that I'm a pretty clean and organized mom. That's because I'm a FIRM BELIEVER in surface cleaning (shhh don't tell my mother!) If the bathrooms are clean, the counters and tabletops are clear and the floor is picked up, it's clean enough for me! I threw my perfectionism out the window about 4 sets of dirty hands and feet ago. And I can live happily with that.

But the laundry...the BANE of my very existence...that's a completely different story. If you looked into my laundry closet you would probably NEVER speak to me again. I have this theory about laundry trying to take over and rule the world. You should hear it sometime. Or maybe not.

I am just waiting for some wonderful genius woman to invent *disposable clothes. That would be the most wonderful thing EVER.

We have ALOT of laundry, as you can probably imagine. I think the baby is actually the cleanest little person in our house. How sad is that? Or maybe it's my oldest son. This boy, will take a shower and try to put on the SAME DIRTY BOXERS that he just took off! I have actually had to start doing a daily boxer check on a 9 yr old! What is UP with THAT??

My girlies ~ the self proclaimed princesses ~ they LOVE to wear pretty dresses. I don't know where this fascination came from. It's a lucky day for my husband if he comes home to find me in jeans instead of pajamas. Fear not, he is very aware how HOT pajamas are. You don't need to tell him. Truly. He knows. I love pajamas. I will seriously take a shower only to put on MORE PAJAMAS. But they insist on wearing 'princessy (YA that's a word 'cause i just made it a word) clothes and if they get even one teeeeeny tiiiiny spot on it they MUST immediatly be regarbed in proper princess wear.

My toddler *the moose, is just a MESS. He somehow manages to get dirty no matter WHAT we are doing. Every Sunday I have to explain to the girls in Tiny Tots at churchthat YES he WAS clean when we put him in the truck and NO I have no clue HOW he got so filthy in the carseat. This child here, he is the only child I know who can actually get dirty IN THE BATH TUB. So, when I can manage to keep clothes on him, they are only clean for roughly...2 minutes. Really. I'm not exaggerating. Not even a little bit.

But I digress. I'm just procrastinating so that you won't see what a terrible 'sahm' i am.
I don't have alot of time to mess with the laundry. Ok really, that's just a different way to say that I procrastinate when it comes to laundry too. I wait and wait and let it pile and pile until it literally eyeballs me from the closet, which by this time is open because the laundry is finding it's way out the door, and practically BEGGING me to just WASH IT! And finally I will. And that's when the CLEAN laundry takes over my bedroom. And Bathroom. And wherever else it will fit.

But hey, the floor is clean enough to eat off of, which is a good thing because Thing5 has a particular fondness for hiding cheerios under the furniture...just in case she gets hungry later.

Hmmmm....

Do you remember Romper Room? Sometimes it seems as if I'm in an episode of, like, Romper Room Gone Wild or something. Do you ever feel like that? Maybe it's just me.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if we had that Average~2.5 kids~2 income~house in the suburbs with a picket fence and a dog that doesn't... relieve itself on the hardwood floors~American Dream kind of life.

Would I have *perfect hair? And manicured nails? Oooohhhh, I would definently pay someone ELSE to spray all of that SHOUT on the stains in the laundry. (SHOUT really works ya know. Just in case you were wondering. That is why you come here.. isn't it? For all of the great laundry tips:)

Sometimes, I use an entire bottle of SHOUT on 1 load of laundry. Fascinating right? I know, that's why I'm telling you. You don't have to thank me.

We don't, by the way. Have that life that is. Not even a little bit on a good day. Double the kids. Split the income in half. The dog, well... we gave up on pets when a~certain~little~girl~who~was~3 (but is no longer) decided to try and help her cute little pet chickie escape from the cage. According to her, little chickie stuck his head out of the bars and asked her to help him out. By his head unfortunately. It wasn't pretty. Yes, we were all scarred, but we try not to think about it. Don't worry. After 3 yrs of therapy we can now eat chicken again.

My hair... is not quite perfect. Okay it's nowhere near perfect aaand  I'll be honest and admit that my most used hair accessories include a scrunchee (the fact that if a scrunchee isn't available a pencil can also be used is just more proof that I keep up with all of the latest fashions from Vogue. ) OH and there's this AWESOME hair product I use. If you've never tried it then you're definently missing out. It's called D.R.O.O.L. Made from pure baby slobber. Great stuff. Really.

But then I remember that in order to have that life I would have to give up 2.5 of my children. How could I make my child go through life with only half of thier body? And which half would I choose? The right, the left. The top, the bottom.

The truth is, as CRAAAZZYYYY as they make me sometimes, I couldn't really give any of them up. Even for that oh~so~wanted laundry person.

Overflow

I'm looking for that other mom. You know the one. The perfect mom. Where is she? I know she's out there somewhere. I've read about her. I've heard about her. Even been asked why I couldn't be more like her. Because, you know, she teaches perfect kids everyday. In her perfectly clean house. While she simultaneously runs her own business from home. Milks the cows every morning. Picks fresh vegetables from the garden for dinner. And bakes ... all kinds of bakie things all day in between rushing said perfect children to all of the most perfect activities.

I'm not so different from her.
I can multi task too.

I can wipe a snotty Thing 5 nose while taming a Thing 4~gone~wild, filling a sippy cup from a gallon of milk bought at Sweetbay, listening to a chattering Thing 3 AND making the appropriate mmmhhhmmm sounds at all of the right places, silencing an argument over ~whatever~Thing 1~&~Thing 2~are~currently~bickering~about with just a look, finding Someone Elsee boxers & a towel so he can take a shower because he can never seem to find them even though they are always in the same place, all at the same time. At which time I am also burning dinner & not baking anything.

How's that for talent?

If you happen to see that other mom, let me know. I'm hoping she will show up one day to help me with my laundry.

Sometimes I think I shouldn't be hatin on the laundry so much. But then I look at the overflowing hampers and ... well... it's just not loveable.

Oh and speaking of snotty noses. Or just snot in general. For the record. Rebecca, to answer to your question ~ apparently I am *indeed the queen of snotland and I am so feelin it this week. But don't worry ~ my crown is not made of the ordinary paper & crayon variety, but instead appears to be made from a nice cheeto/drool paste.

Because that's how we roll around here:D

H square to the 5th power.

A mystery is a reality whose existence we can perceive, but whose inner workings we cannot understand. Einstein.

That quote has absolutey nothing to do with this post by the way. I just liked it. So I stuck it up there. For no reason at all.

Bet you thought I had some deep, profound & wise thing going on here huh? Nope. Not so much. 

You know who is pretty deep, profound & wise? Melanie Faith. You should go check her out. She's good people. And she's challenged me to Get Some Goals! Ooooh. That hurts a little. lol.

the top 5 to 10 goals that you gotta’ get so that you can truly say you have achieved your wildest dreams in life.

One of my truly wildest dreams....
is to be able to *tinkle.....
all by myself....
without being followed.....
interrogated....
or otherwise interrupted by loud crashes and bangs and clunks and 'Mommy Thing 2 is trying to climb out the window again" s. Causing me to perform a feat that would challenge even 'Mighty Mom' herself.... .....
stop mid~tinkle.
After having 5 children.
That's pure superhero type stuff there.
But I have no clue how to make that happen.
Or I would already be enjoying that *tinkle freedom.
Goal 1 ~ Find someone who knows.
Another of my wildest dreams
is to get out of the house
into the truck
and further than the entraceway
before hearing the words
"Mommy I can't hold it"
after I asked each & every one of them.
3 times.
And made them try anyway.
Because I knew what was going to happen.
So you see,
I've covered all of my bases.
And again I have no clue how to make that happen.
Which brings me to
Goal 2 ~ Find someone who knows.
My absolute wildest dream ....
is to never have to do laundry
ever again.
Eve really screwed us with that whole apple thing.
Really.
If it weren't for her
There would be NO laundry
But since it's not a perfect world
I'll just keep my clothes on
Thank you very much.
It's better that way.
Really.
For all of us.
Unfortunately I can't go back
to the garden
and warn her.
So I have no clue how to fix it.
And there we have
Goal 3 ~ Find someone who knows.

And there it is. Okay, so I obviously dont have very lofty aspirations. No hall of fame for me.

But it is what it is.

My wildest dreams come true in finding contentment in what is already in my path.

My biggest goals are attained by just making the most of the life I have.

Well, that & maybe learning from someone who knows! Beause I sure as heck don't ;)

But maybe some of these girlies have a clue....

Brit

Diane

Youngmommy

Heather

I'm passing the buck to ya'll. Now you've 'Gotta Get Goals'.

Oh I wonder... wonder ~ is it bedtime yet?

Today I have

1. Washed, dried, folded & fluffed (ha ha ha do you really believe that?) about 200 loads of laundry. Really. That's not an exaggeration.
2. Wondered how such relatively CLEAN children can make thier clothes SMELL so BAD.
3. Changed roughly 30 (million) dirty diapers.
4. Wondered WHY they have to be SO much like thier dad in *that respect. Maybe HE should be the official diaper changer.
5. Listened to Thing 1 describe ~in detail~ his latest story creation. Life in Snotland. Complete with illustrations. And maps. "Dad lives on booger lane, where do you want to live?" uhmmmm... As far away from there as possible.
6. Wondered if there is a way to somehow count this little project as 'school'.
7. Kissed thousands of boo boo's. Real & imagined.
8. Yet, when Thing 4 smacked his head (hard enough for me to HEAR the Whomp) and I asked him if he wanted mommy to kiss it he just said "No it's good ma" and continued on with his little 2 yr old life.,
9. Wondered when my love for my children overcame my complete disgust for all things feet.
10. Watched Thing 5 make faces in the mirror.
11. Wondered how long the "playin with the pretty baby in the mirror" game would actually be entertaining.
12. 47 minutes. Yes the child looked at herself in the mirror for forty seven minutes.
13. Aaaand we watched her the entire time.
14. Yes we have no life.
15. We started out with nothing.
16. And we still have a little left.
17. Listened to Thing 1 tell the very vivid (& unfortunately true) story of how he and Someone Elsee caught a dead cat while fishing the day before.
18. Apparently it was SO cool.
19. But only because it was already dead.
20. Wondered if the entourage of pets that have lived & died during thier time with our children, has emotionally scarred & completely desensitized my child.
21. Was actually thankful to find out that he cried when they caught it.
22. Felt bad for being happy about a crying child. Still a little happy to know we can skip the years of therapy.
23. Would have skipped the therapy anyway. We have daily therapy sessions on our knees.
24. Wiped snotty noses 400 times.
25. Once with my shirt.
26. Wondered if the snotland story was based on actual facts.

*** Edited to add ~ Thing 1 has brought it to my attention, that the reference to booger lane was incorrect. It is actually booger pit road. And his dad not only resides there, he is the king of snotville ... er snotland. Thing 1 has very *graciously forgiven me for this error. According to him I am not expected to really understand such complex ideas. Thank God for that. I was having quite a hard time wrapping my tiny little brain around such a big thought. ROFL

random unorganized momble jomble

I've been trying this new thing lately. Being quiet. Think before I speak, if you will. I know. I should already know how to do this. I'm sure I've learned this before at some point in my life. But I just don't think the lesson took. Obviously. Or I woudn't be *practicing the art of keeping my mouth shut. Right now. Probably at this very moment.

And ya know what??? It's freakin HARD to do sometimes. *Especially when I think I'm right. Or righteous. Since I've been keeping my thoughts to myself, they're overloading my brain. I barely have time to register 1 thought before the next one comes popping along, rudely interrupting like there was nothing there already.

So guess what? It's your lucky day! If you like random and unorganized. I won't be offended if you don't. Really. Not even a little bit. That does mean that it's not~so~much your lucky day. But these thoughts have to go somewhere. So..either way, here's some random truthiness.

1. If you don't know me, you might not know that I'm a compulsive listmaker.
2. Unless it's just that obvious.
3. I think I've finally figured out why I like lists SO much.
4. They surface clean my brain.
5. & they somehow make even the utterest of chaos look neat & organized.
6. You know how I feel about surface cleaning.
7. In a perfect world, if I made a list of every single piece of clothing my children have gotten dirty this week if it would *magically clean itself.
8. Have ya noticed it's not a perfect world?
9. Guess that means I should get on that laundry a little quicker.
10. So I'll save that list for another day.
11. You should be careful what you name your children.
12. Has anyone ever told you that your child's name determines what kind of person they will be.
13. They lied.
14. My sister wanted to name her youngest daughter Harley.
15. I don't know why.
16. My mom (hers too) told her she would be a hellion with a name like that.
17. So they named her Rebecca Lynn.
18. Such a sweet name.
19. Thing 2 cracks me up.
20. I think it's because she's ALOT like me.
21. I tend to crack me up too.
22. Someone has to amuse me.
23. It might as well be myself.
24. Thing 1 *9b did something earlier.
25. I don't remember what.
26. But I said ' Thing 1 I don't find that humorous at ALL.'
27. Thing 2 *6g ~ in her little girl princess~like little~girl~way ~ says
28. 'Not even a little bit!'
29. Do you consider yourself a quiverful mom?
30. I do.
31. As far as quivers go, mine feels pretty full sometimes.
32. But I like the organized chaos of it.
33. What I did not know was that there is an entire MOVEMENT.
34. What exactly is the movement for?
35. And where is it going?
36. Why do we take 1 little part of what we are supposed to be about
37. and let that define us.
38. Why are we so intent on trying to make our mark on the world
39. that we forget to leave his imprint in the world.
40. I had a conversation once.
41. I've had a conversation more than once.
42. But I had this *particular conversation once
43. A girl I had just met was asking me what I do.
44. As in, for a living.
45. When I told her I was a sahm of 5
46. and a homeschooler
47. she got this really confused look on her face
48. And asked if she could ask me a personal question
49. Sure.
50. why not.
51. we're used to it right?
52. But then she proceeded to ask
53. somewhat bashfully and embarrassed,
54. 'How do you give them all a bath? I mean, how does that work?'
55. I promise.
56. That is what she asked me.
57. Just when I thought I'd heard it all

Okay, for those of you who actually made it through that list and are still reading waaay down here, I know you've had your Most~bizzare~thing~I've~ever~heard & the~absolute~last~thing~I~expected~to~hear Moments. GO post about it right now and then leave me a comment so I can go read it.
I really can't believe you're still here. Amazed really. So, umm.. great job! You deserve some kind of reward for that endurance. Let me see what I can find for ya.